Fifteen Life Lessons Prison Has Taught Me

1. Never share anything with anyone unless it’s something you’re prepared to lose.
2. Privacy, like joy, is a privilege, a precious resource.
3. Given sufficient hunger, even a taste for something like pickled beets can be acquired.
4. The criminally minded have a disproportionate statistical likelihood of really, really hating cats.
5. A disturbingly high number of men have a disturbingly low standard for personal hygiene.
6. Computer access is not, strictly speaking, required for survival.
7. Watching hometown news for glimpses of old stamping grounds is a sad, ineffectual way to preserve memories.
8. It is possible to make watercolors from the dyes in the shells of M&Ms candies, as well as to make paintbrushes from #2 pencils and your own hair, but the results are never satisfying.
9. That which you love most has the greatest potential to be your ruin.
10. Where half of everyone claims themselves “innocent,” innocence is meaningless.
11. The line between boredom and depression is razor-blade thin; finding purpose can save your life and make it worth living.
12. How casually someone breaks their word is directly proportionate to the cruelty of their betrayal.
13. The goals of toilet training are not standardized, and not everyone’s toilet training was devoid of subtle trauma.
14. It’s an acceptable trade-off to spend several undignified moments being strip-searched every weekend, before and after a few hours spent visiting with good people.
15. Victimhood is a choice.