Take the Quiz: Would You Make a Good Prison Cellmate?

Tally your score on these ten probing questions to see how well you’d get by, thrown into close quarters with another person for very long periods of time. 

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Locked into a bathroom-sized space with a total stranger, what’s the first thing you’d do?

• Introduce yourself, then quickly situate whatever belongings you have, keeping conversation to a minimum until certain boundaries are established. (2 points)


• Announce your intention to liven up the place with your pencil drawings of Hollywood power couples. (-1 point)


• Cry. (-2 points)

Which statement best describes your attitude toward personal hygiene?

• “I wash my hands immediately after using the toilet, always cough and sneeze into my elbow, and appreciate a nice, long shower.” (2 points)


• “Meh.” (-1 point)


• “I take a birdbath in the sink twice a month, regardless of whether or not I need one.” (-2 points)

Complaining about the length of your sentence is:

• Never acceptable. (2 points)


• Acceptable if the person to whom you’re complaining has an equal or shorter sentence. (-1 point)


• No big deal. (-2 points)

The mood in which you wake up can best be described as which of the following?

• Peaceful and contemplative. (2 points)


• Chipper and chatty. (0 points)


• Variable, depending on whether or not you’ve been taking your medication. (-2 points)

“Hey, how about a courtesy flush, over there?”

• “Sure thing.” Bah-whoosh. (2 points)


• “What’s a courtesy flush?” (-1 point)


• “Sorry, I believe in conserving water.” (-2 points)

Which of the following do you do while watching TV news?

• Consider each story in thoughtful silence. (2 points)


• Wonder what relevance world events could possibly have on your life behind bars. (0 points)


• Shout obscenities at the screen. (-2 points)

Your opinion of the concept of sharing is best summed up by which of these statements?

• “What’s mine is yours.” (2 points)


• “I’m making burritos tomorrow — wanna throw in a bag of rice?” (0 points)


• “Alright, punk, hand over all your coffee and cigarettes.” (-2 points)

Are you clever enough to generate your own personal forms of entertainment?

• Yes. (2 points)


• No. (-1 point)


• Only if marathon masturbation sessions count as entertainment. (-2 points)

In the middle of a long afternoon, on the third day of a facility-wide lockdown, how would you most likely occupy yourself?

• Write a letter or two. (2 points)


• Calisthenics. (0 points)


• Try out your falsetto skills on a few pop ballads... at least until dinner. (-2 points)

Which method for eking out a more materially comfortable prison existence strikes you as the most appealing?

• Taking a presser job in the facility’s laundry. (2 points)


• Slingin’ rock to ducks on the yard. (-1 point)


• Finally putting that sweet, sweet caboose to work. (-2 points)

Scoring
18–20 points — You make a great potential cellmate. Congratulations!
10–17 points — You’d have a few conflicts, but with a little luck would get along fine.
0–10 points — To cohabitate with you would probably be miserable. If you’re ever sent to prison, expect to be moved from cell to cell a lot.
Negative points — Look on the bright side: solitary confinement means never having to worry about cellmates again, after that initial succession of them beat you bloody.